too soft for respect
i think he’s smarter than me
not in the sweet way people talk about being opposites
but in the kind of way that makes you feel like you’ll never catch up
he talks and the words feel heavy
full of things i’ll never understand
and i sit there smiling, pretending, waiting for him to finish
so i can say something safe like “that makes sense”
he’s the kind of brown boy who was built for respect
the kind who never raises his voice but everyone listens anyway
the kind who makes intelligence look effortless
like breathing
and i hate how small i feel next to him
how my thoughts feel childish when i try to explain them
how i start second-guessing every sentence before it leaves my mouth
he talks about theories and algorithms and problems that can be solved
and i talk about feelings and art and things that can’t
and i can see it in his eyes
that flicker of polite interest that fades the second he realizes
this conversation won’t lead anywhere useful
sometimes i catch myself watching him think
how focused he looks, how sure
and i wonder what it feels like to be that certain of yourself
to walk through the world knowing your mind is a place people admire
mine feels messy
too full of words that don’t mean anything
too soft for people like him
he never makes me feel dumb on purpose
but he doesn’t have to
the silence between us does it for him
i sit there trying to find something to say
something smart, something impressive
and end up saying nothing at all
and later, when i’m alone
i replay the whole thing in my head
every pause, every nod, every half-smile
and i start to believe he’ll never see me as anything more than someone to listen to when he’s bored
he’ll end up with someone who understands his world
someone who can keep up
someone who doesn’t stumble over her own words trying to sound like she belongs
and i’ll keep being the girl who feels too much and knows too little
the one who confuses vulnerability with stupidity
the one who keeps trying to sound smarter just to be seen
it’s not even about him anymore
it’s about how he became proof of what i already feared
that no matter how much i write or feel or dream
i’ll never be enough for the kind of respect that comes so easily to people like him
and maybe that’s just how it is
some of us are meant to admire brilliance from a distance
and pretend it doesn’t hurt